Moving Along...

Hello, my faithful readers! Laura here, with another set of musings.  I sit here in air-conditioned comfort, watching an old episode of "Torchwood", and I can't help but wonder what's coming down the line.

I have been working hard on my "program", CBT and DBT skills mixed with a heavy dose of gratitude for all I have.  There are those so less fortunate; when I start to feel down or wondering what this silly life is all about, I force myself to remember all that is done for me on a regular basis.  I work hard to remember my skills and to USE THEM, even when sitting in a corner and just ignoring the world would be easier.  

In the "holy crap what a win" column, I saw a beautiful wedding this weekend.  I packed my carry on and boarded a plane for sunny Los Angeles. My dear friend Carrie married the love of her life, Akshay, in a wondrous Indian ceremony, followed by a kick-ass reception.  I was a little bummed that I couldn't squeeze every last drop of fun out of the evening because of med limitations, but that was a minor point compared to all the beauty and love that surrounded and infused the entire 3 days.  Akshay and Carrie are on the road now, on the road of that fantastic adventure of marriage.  And I got to be there to see it.  It takes the breath away to know that I was there for that awe-inspiring moment.  There's a new married couple in the world, folks, and wait til you get a load of them!

The other big thing that I am so grateful for from this weekend is that I got to spend the entire time with my beloved ASPs.  We are a tightly-knit group of friends from undergrad who still try to stay in touch as much as possible and make all these important life events.  They were there for my wedding, we were all at Snapps' and Lill's weddings, and now Carrie's.  We see each other for Christmas when we can, and have had a few "ASP weekends" just to stay in touch and be near each other. It makes me so happy to know that there are 4 other women out there who have my back through thick and thin.  They are unfailing in their love for me, as I am for them.  Heather was my roommate in college, and she is the friend that I can call and just blab about nothing with, laughing far too loud and being silly together.  The five of us just can't be beat; we are Alpha Sigma Pillow until the end!

I could go on about things in my own life, bellyaching or taking note of what I want to be different, to change about myself.  But for today, I choose to be a part of this great group of women, and enjoy the memories we share.  For today, moving along means remembering and enjoying, no strings attached.

May Is Mental Health Awareness Month

"I feel like I can fly.  I feel like I could write until the end of time.  I feel like I am worth nothing.  I feel like cutting my skin is the only way to stay in the moment.  I feel like I am the best, worst, and only person on the face of the earth.  I feel like I do too much.  I feel like I will never do enough.  I feel like I am a role model to all those who seek the truth.  I feel like if you listen to me, you will only hear lies.  Don't listen.  Don't look at me.  Don't pay me any mind.  Please see the hurt.  Please see how I am lying.  Please see what I cannot tell you...ever.........."

The preceding is what goes through my mind in about 15 seconds on any given day.  This is the thought process of one person with Bipolar Disorder.  It usually happens about 100 times a day, a few times every hour.

Now add guilt.  Now add anxiety, nausea, sweating, shaking.  Now add the voices of 10 other people, all shouting at the same time. Now add visual hallucinations.  Now add screaming parents, spouses, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, enemies.

Now try to work a job "just like everyone else".  Now try to clean your house, cook your meals, do your laundry, tend to your children, socialize with your friends. Now try to accomplish your dreams.

Seems a little difficult, doesn't it?

The next time someone says they're anxious about something, or they don't know if they can make it out to meet you for dinner, or they just don't know how they're going to get through the day, don't get angry or annoyed.  Don't sigh and think about what a drama queen they are.  Don't try to tell them that "it's all in their head", because IT IS ALL IN THEIR HEAD AT THE SAME TIME.....and it's not going anywhere. Just read this post.  Read it again and again until you start to see what it might be like for them.

And just love them. The only thing people with an illness want is a little love and support.  Just give them that much....and know you make all the difference.

The Ugly Kid

When my brother got married, I was so excited for the day.  We all looked like a million bucks, and we were going to have a great party!  We took loads of pictures, sang at the top of our lungs, and saw loads of family and friends.  My 90 year old great aunt danced everyone else right off the floor.  It was amazing.  Then we got the pictures back a month or so later.  I started to click through the photo album online, and my heart nearly stopped.

"Who is that ugly girl?" I thought.

My family is full of "the beautiful people".  My sisters look like Italian models, and my brother is the handsomest guy at most parties.  I never thought so much about how I "fit in".  I was just the oldest sister of this crew.  Now here was the evidence staring me in the face.  Without even thinking about it, my brain starting singing "One of these things is not like the other...". My odd face and bloated body were the sore thumbs in every picture of the family.  I actually started to feel badly that I was wrecking my brother and sister-in-law's wedding pictures.

Gentle reader, please hear me.  This is not pity time.  This is not the time for "Oh, no, you're pretty too!" Please... I do not say these things because I'm looking for a handout of compliments.  I am telling the TRUTH.  That is the point of this blog, and all that I write here.  It's honest.  I'm not a pretty lady.  I have a face (and body) for radio.

This has stuck in my head for a long time as one of many separating factors in my family.  I am a rough, blunt woman, in appearance and nature.  My family is one of poise, grace, and intelligence.  People constantly remark on my wonderful father and mother, or my amazing siblings.  They are beautiful on the inside and out. I am so proud of them because they are everything that people say about them. Their beauty is more than their outer appearances.  They have a beauty and truth to their insides, in the way that they treat people and live their own lives.  They are so good at saying the right thing, to me and to others.

I don't always say the right thing.  I don't know how to dress.  I don't do my hair and makeup often. I sing too loudly, laugh even louder, make jokes that no one gets, and love all those nerdy things that make the attractive & popular crowd shake their heads in a bewildered way.  (Example: My sweet 16 was a sleepover at my house where we renamed all the Chinese food to the names of Star Trek: The Next Generation foods.  We food-colored Sprite to rename it "Romulan Ale".  The next morning, everyone had Earl Grey tea and croissants, just like Jean-Luc Picard.  This is still possibly my favorite party EVER, rivaling my own wedding.) My whole life, I have wished that I could match up to my family a little bit better.  I have wished that I could be a little more graceful.  I often hope that I will wake up one day and I won't have to check my loud laugh and big personality at the door; I wish that they would just go away, and I could be smart-talking and all-knowing like Gina, clever and cutting like Katie, or witty and to-the-point like Christopher. I wish that I was prettier and wittier so that I could make them as proud of me as I am of them.

I am currently seeing a naturopathic nurse practitioner to treat ailments, and have been for about two months.  My body is adjusting to a diet of no sugar, gluten, dairy, or artificial sweeteners of any kind.  I'm taking in a lot of new information about my body, the vitamins and minerals that run (or do NOT run) through it, and what I have to do to make things better.  It's frustrating and interesting and confusing.  But through it all, I find myself ravenous for the healing words that this NP has to say.  Yesterday, she said to me: "You do not have to expect anything, Laura.  Don't expect yourself to lose a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time.  Don't expect to have a certain mineral or vitamin completely replenished in your system right away.  You must RELAX into healing.  The body self-corrects.  You must let your body do that without any yelling, screaming, or expecting from yourself." She has somehow found a way to cut through all the bullshit in my brain and give me permission to not be more than I already am.

Today, I am trying.  I am trying to stay relaxed.  I am letting my body tell me what it needs, and responding accordingly.  I will not expect anything of myself, not hold myself to too high a standard.  I still hope that these diet and vitamin changes will bring me closer to health.  There is still a small corner of my brain that wishes I were prettier, but I will change where I want the pretty.  I want the pretty on the inside of me.  I want the pretty to be shown in how I talk to people and how I love them.  I want the pretty to be seen in how I handle my life and what I am given.

I may still be the Ugly Kid, but I'll strive for that beauty on the inside, just like Gina and Katie and Christopher have.