Of course, the first thing I want to do is sing "2-4-6-0-1!!!!!!". Ahem. OK, now that my Les Mis moment is behind me, I'll get to the crux of things. This post was begun when I was in McLean, being held for suicidal ideation. So this will go from feelings of a month ago to present day. I hope it's not too hard to follow.
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I'm in the psych ward again, and this time is different. Well, they're always different, but this one is really kicking my ass. I have a lot of suicidal feelings, and the staff here are trying their very best to keep my body and soul in one piece. God Bless them for it.
I've been struggling big time with the idea that my life is really for naught, that aside from my amazing husband and great family holding me up, I've done shit with my life. I try to get pleasure and fulfillment from my job and relationships, but my brain is telling me that I should put it all aside and just kill myself. This is the disease talking, and as my sainted husband always says "Don't believe the lies." I'm doing my best to follow his advice.
Tonight, a counselor asked me "Who do you think you are?"
The answer is complicated. Well, yes, thank you Captain Obvious, but what IS the answer?
The answer is I don't know.
The answer is that I'm still trying to figure it out.
I'm in the psych ward again, and this time is different. Well, they're always different, but this one is really kicking my ass. I have a lot of suicidal feelings, and the staff here are trying their very best to keep my body and soul in one piece. God Bless them for it.
I've been struggling big time with the idea that my life is really for naught, that aside from my amazing husband and great family holding me up, I've done shit with my life. I try to get pleasure and fulfillment from my job and relationships, but my brain is telling me that I should put it all aside and just kill myself. This is the disease talking, and as my sainted husband always says "Don't believe the lies." I'm doing my best to follow his advice.
Tonight, a counselor asked me "Who do you think you are?"
The answer is complicated. Well, yes, thank you Captain Obvious, but what IS the answer?
The answer is I don't know.
The answer is that I'm still trying to figure it out.
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Now I've been out of McLean's Short Term Unit for about three weeks, but I've been going there two to three times a week as an outpatient for ECT, or electro convulsive therapy. I have now had 16 treatments this go-around...so far.
The wonderful news is I feel really good from the treatments. The not-so-great news is I have to go under general anesthesia every time, so my body has physically been through the ringer. I am very fortunate to have amazing family and friends who are willing to drive me to each and every treatment. Since I must go under anesthesia, I am not allowed to drive, and I usually end up sleeping off the meds the rest of the day.
Each session is the same. A nurse brings me to a waiting room with a stretcher. I hop on and she places hot packs on my right hand and arm, to help the anesthesiologist find good veins for the IV. My blood pressure and pulse are checked, and once the treatment room is ready, I'm wheeled in. An ECT doctor, anesthesiologist, and nurse are all present. An IV is begun, and I quickly lose consciousness. I wake up in a recovery room sometime later, and there I must be monitored for at least 45 minutes. Then a doctor meets with me, verifies that I am sufficiently recovered, and sends me home.
So lately my brain has gone back to the question of two months ago: who am I? What I have decided for the time being is that though I may not be particularly proud of what I've become, I am a work in progress. I am a person who is feeling a little better with every passing day, and I can make the best of each moment.
For example, I decided this week that I have not gone and seen my sisters and friends in NYC in ages, so I am taking the end of this week and weekend to do just that. I will walk the streets of New York with my head held high and my brain ready to have the most fun I can. I can't wait to see all my friends and family in the big bad city.
I am going to have another treatment on Tuesday, but then I will board a bus on Thursday and take the big bad city by storm. I may not know exactly who I am, but I'm going to have fun while I figure it out.
