Wishes...

Well, I guess we all have them, right? I remember an interview with David Duchovny back in the "X-Files" days; he said "My Dad used to say 'If wishes were wheels, my grandmother would be a trolley!'" LOL

I have many wishes. I wish I were 100 lbs lighter. I wish I were a world-famous opera singer. I wish it didn't take practically a US Army unit to get me out of bed in the morning. I wish I were a better cook and housekeeper. I wish God had given me body capable of having children. Mostly, I wish I were a better wife to my wonderful husband. 

I know part of the reason I wish this particular last wish is because my rape history sticks like a bad dream that just won't go away. Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream. I work at "forgetting", which is silly. I work at "processing", which I am learning is a life-long process. The typical rape victim issues and thoughts plague my brain on a regular basis: "I wish I hadn't worn those clothes...", "I wish I had not been so stupid & gullible...", "I wish I'd fought harder...", "I wish I hadn't panicked when his hand went around my throat..."  Wishes, wishes, wishes....

Well, Laura, none of these things will go away. You don't know his name, so you can't report it, even now, 15 years

later. 

What I can do is work hard. I can work hard at remembering to take my medication every morning. I can work hard at my therapy sessions. I can work hard at being honest and not shoving "things" to the back of my head. I can work hard at being the best wife, daughter, sister, and aunt possible. I can work hard to keep myself educated about the "fall-out" from this kind of trauma, especially combined with a bipolar diagnosis. 

And so now I will turn my wishes toward myself and my hard work. I have a strong brain, and it can take it. 

My wishes for a better existence can become a reality, starting today.....

Grateful for so much...

I often use this blog as a place to grieve over what Bipolar disorder has taken from me, or to face what I must deal with because of said disorder. 

Today, I want to take time to appreciate all that I have and am afforded because of, or in spite of, this illness. 

I have amazing family and friends, who check in with me on a regular basis and do the best they can to make me feel better. They include my husband, parents, siblings, singing friends, and even management of singing groups. They are all kind, curious, and understanding. Yesterday I was at a rehearsal. The conductor made me laugh while I had coffee in my mouth, and I ended up spraying it all over two people next to me. One friend was completely understanding and didn't think twice about just cleaning things up and not worrying about it. The other singer didn't really know me, so she was furious and gave me a ration of shit. I apologized profusely, but that didn't matter. She bitched me out, even though there wasn't much of anything spilled on her. She was really angry, and was pretty vicious yelling at me. My manager saw this, and texted to ask what was wrong. I told him, and he told me not to think twice about it. I couldn't help it; I started to cry. He saw this and made sure he gave me a hug and told me there was no reason to worry. He talked to me until I felt better, and made me laugh. He knew what I needed. There is another manager I work with who does the same. They both understand the nature of my illness, and try hard to make me comfortable no matter what. 

It's much like my wonderful husband Paulie, who can tell when I need a hug and kiss, versus when I need a good laugh. He does whatever is necessary to make me feel just a bit better. After last week, where I felt that 6 slashes on my left wrist was the only answer, these people have made it a goal to see that I'm not taking myself or life too seriously, and that I can still find joy in everyday life. 

I am so grateful to all these people, and that will not stop. As I said to a friend today, I should probably say something "Boston sarcastic" now, but I can't think of a thing. I'm just humbled and grateful to everyone. 

Hopefully I can make all these people proud.