Sorry, gentle reader, but I'm on a mental health kick. I find it fascinating to watch my brain fluctuate. Hope you don't coming along for this ride of random thought.
Sitting in my sister's apartment in Astoria, I am listening to an old Gloria Estefan song. "Coming out of the dark/I finally see the light now/and it's shining on me".
I have been doing pretty well in the last few weeks. I am beginning my life "again". There are voice lessons to teach, books to catalog, a husband to fix the house with and just love!, as well as family and friends to see.
But I am struck at how this time around is different. I am not sitting around waiting to feel better, bemoaning my terrible mental health. I am not asking for another pill to numb things. I am working even harder through my emotional upheavals. Self harm urges and disappointments are being faced head on. I am even stronger than I was before. I am stronger BECAUSE of the dark. The bright moments of my life are made better when looked at next to the dark.
No one says "That one glaring spotlight is beautiful." They say "Look at those stars" or "What a pretty night". The darkness is what makes the starlight stand out.
Sorry, Ms Estefan, but I refuse to come out of the dark. The dark is where I live and die. It is how I will choose to exist, amongst shining stars.
