When that gingerbread feeling turns to shit....

WARNING: General ranting ahead.....

So it's Christmas again with its tinsel and trees blah blah blah happy blah blah sacred blah blah fellow man.

Well, what do you do when you'd rather stab your fellow man in the throat with a nice ol shard of glass than wish them a "Happy Holiday"? Do you stay inside and keep yourself to yourself? Do you try to go out little by little, hoping you won't commit rageful homicide?

What does one do when no one can seem to do anything right, including yourself? 

What do you MEAN you don't know where my sheet music is????

What do you MEAN the insurance won't pay for this medication??? It costs $200!!!!! 

You catch my drift. 

I am taking my medication, keeping all my doctor's appointments, taking stock via journal each day, and yet, I just want the world to go away. I am trying to keep my urges to cut at bay.  My husband is so ill, and I'm doing everything I can think of to make him better, but it's not enough.  It's just never enough.  I am not enough.

For me, the next few days will require patience, the "Glad Game", and PRNs. 

Here's hoping....Merry Fucking Christmas. 

Wishes...

Well, I guess we all have them, right? I remember an interview with David Duchovny back in the "X-Files" days; he said "My Dad used to say 'If wishes were wheels, my grandmother would be a trolley!'" LOL

I have many wishes. I wish I were 100 lbs lighter. I wish I were a world-famous opera singer. I wish it didn't take practically a US Army unit to get me out of bed in the morning. I wish I were a better cook and housekeeper. I wish God had given me body capable of having children. Mostly, I wish I were a better wife to my wonderful husband. 

I know part of the reason I wish this particular last wish is because my rape history sticks like a bad dream that just won't go away. Unfortunately, it wasn't a dream. I work at "forgetting", which is silly. I work at "processing", which I am learning is a life-long process. The typical rape victim issues and thoughts plague my brain on a regular basis: "I wish I hadn't worn those clothes...", "I wish I had not been so stupid & gullible...", "I wish I'd fought harder...", "I wish I hadn't panicked when his hand went around my throat..."  Wishes, wishes, wishes....

Well, Laura, none of these things will go away. You don't know his name, so you can't report it, even now, 15 years

later. 

What I can do is work hard. I can work hard at remembering to take my medication every morning. I can work hard at my therapy sessions. I can work hard at being honest and not shoving "things" to the back of my head. I can work hard at being the best wife, daughter, sister, and aunt possible. I can work hard to keep myself educated about the "fall-out" from this kind of trauma, especially combined with a bipolar diagnosis. 

And so now I will turn my wishes toward myself and my hard work. I have a strong brain, and it can take it. 

My wishes for a better existence can become a reality, starting today.....

"Life is a banquet....

....and some poor sons-of-bitches are starving to death!"

This is a quote from "Mame" that my mother often quotes when I'm not doing well, or turning in on myself, becoming more depressed. 

Lately, I've been feeling FANTASTIC, as the combination of shock therapy, medication, and vitamin supplements has really been working for me. 

I have been praying to the Blessed Mother and St. Dymphna (the patron saint of mental illness) to keep this streak going. While there's been a "bump" here or there I can say with much confidence that I've been doing well for awhile.  And thank you to the "many-faced god" for that. ;) (I'm only kidding, Paulie!!!!)

This blog post isn't so much about "profound discoveries" or the like.  This is really just a place to say "THANK YOU" for all the good I've been feeling in the last bit of time.  Thank you to Paulie, and my family, and my friends, and the strangers who say "hi" when I greet them in the grocery store.  Thank you to the store clerks who share pleasant small talk with me while I buy a few items.  Thank you to the priests who have told me how happy they are that I'm feeling better.  Thank you to the St. Michael Parish Choir, who treat me with dignity and respect and fill me with laughter each week.  And thank you Biggy, for your constant prayers to the Little Flower.  (She's pretty sure that's the real reason I'm feeling so much better. ;) )

I thank you all for following this journey of mine, and don't mind any good thoughts, vibes, or prayers you send my way as I try and continue this journey of "feeling good."

I'm determined to belly up to the banquet of Life, and refuse to be one of those starving sons-of-bitches!!!

Thanks, Momma.  I love you.

Moving Along...

Hello, my faithful readers! Laura here, with another set of musings.  I sit here in air-conditioned comfort, watching an old episode of "Torchwood", and I can't help but wonder what's coming down the line.

I have been working hard on my "program", CBT and DBT skills mixed with a heavy dose of gratitude for all I have.  There are those so less fortunate; when I start to feel down or wondering what this silly life is all about, I force myself to remember all that is done for me on a regular basis.  I work hard to remember my skills and to USE THEM, even when sitting in a corner and just ignoring the world would be easier.  

In the "holy crap what a win" column, I saw a beautiful wedding this weekend.  I packed my carry on and boarded a plane for sunny Los Angeles. My dear friend Carrie married the love of her life, Akshay, in a wondrous Indian ceremony, followed by a kick-ass reception.  I was a little bummed that I couldn't squeeze every last drop of fun out of the evening because of med limitations, but that was a minor point compared to all the beauty and love that surrounded and infused the entire 3 days.  Akshay and Carrie are on the road now, on the road of that fantastic adventure of marriage.  And I got to be there to see it.  It takes the breath away to know that I was there for that awe-inspiring moment.  There's a new married couple in the world, folks, and wait til you get a load of them!

The other big thing that I am so grateful for from this weekend is that I got to spend the entire time with my beloved ASPs.  We are a tightly-knit group of friends from undergrad who still try to stay in touch as much as possible and make all these important life events.  They were there for my wedding, we were all at Snapps' and Lill's weddings, and now Carrie's.  We see each other for Christmas when we can, and have had a few "ASP weekends" just to stay in touch and be near each other. It makes me so happy to know that there are 4 other women out there who have my back through thick and thin.  They are unfailing in their love for me, as I am for them.  Heather was my roommate in college, and she is the friend that I can call and just blab about nothing with, laughing far too loud and being silly together.  The five of us just can't be beat; we are Alpha Sigma Pillow until the end!

I could go on about things in my own life, bellyaching or taking note of what I want to be different, to change about myself.  But for today, I choose to be a part of this great group of women, and enjoy the memories we share.  For today, moving along means remembering and enjoying, no strings attached.