Ending a cycle of silence

This day feels like it was a long time in coming.  It's an impossible thing to write; I almost don't want to look at the words as I type them.  I may even be looking down and typing by feel right now because I can't believe that I'm doing this, but I am ashamed.  I am ashamed that it has taken this long for me to publicly admit something that should not be shaming.

I am a rape survivor.

Good Christ, I actually looked at the screen while I typed that, and now I'm nauseous.

For some of you, this post is over.  You'll click away now, with a comment about how needy that poor Laura is; she had to write about "that kind of thing" on her blog.  What a terrible thing, and what a messed-up girl she must be for admitting something so publicly.  Maybe you're right.

But I'm pissed at myself because it took me so long to talk about this.  I am ashamed of the fact that I could not, until now, say those few words above without feeling like I was going to vomit, and that everyone I knew and loved would hate and abandon me.  So I just never said them.... but the time has come for this cycle of silence to END.

The truth is I WAS raped.  And then I did something completely STUPID.... I blamed myself.  I was the idiot who went to that place.  I was the moron who dressed in a "cute" way that night, in hopes of meeting a nice guy.  I was the absolute cretin who didn't fight.  I was the shamed individual who said "No one will believe me; it's my own cross to bear."  What a Catholic!!!!  I was raped and then I FELT GUILTY ABOUT IT.  I went ahead and did every single thing one is told NOT to do in a situation of violence.  I kept my mouth shut.

It took me almost 4 years to admit to anyone that it had even happened.  At one of my ER visits, a nurse asked if I had a history of sexual violence, and I found myself saying "Yes."  She looked up from her clipboard, her eyes asking for more information.  I then blurted out "I was raped when I was 20."  I couldn't believe my own ears.  I had kept it a secret for so long, it didn't even feel like I was the one speaking.  A tailspin of self-doubt and loathing promptly began.  I must have been wrong.  Maybe I made it up?  I'll just keep it to myself; I'm imagining things.  And then I found myself telling Paulie... and my parents... and a few other family members.  Whoa.... that shit really happened.  But I wasn't going ANY further than that.  Because people don't talk about that stuff.  It's off-putting and makes one look like they just want sympathy, right?

Now, 12 years after the incident (the rape, Laura, call things for what they are!!!), I find myself more sensitive to blatant justifications, jokes, or a generally flippant attitude toward rape and sexual abuse.  The past few months have been particularly painful, with no real reason in sight.... and last Sunday night, I lost it.

Audra MacDonald won a Tony award for her role as Bess in "The Gerschwins' Porgy & Bess".  She took the stage, and began to give a lovely heart-felt speech about how grateful she was to the world of theater.  She thanked her leading man, Norm Lewis....and then said that she enjoyed being raped every night by her "Crown", Philip Boykin.

Did she truly mean that she enjoyed even a pantomimed sexual assault?  Absolutely not.  Did she make a bit of a mistake in putting things quite that way?  Yes.  Was it her fault?  No, it was a whacky way to say "thank you" to a fellow cast member because she won a huge award and was excited. But I was livid, and everyone in the room with me knew it.  I ranted and raved about her behavior, and blathered furiously on Facebook.

I calmed down and asked myself "Why does this particular transgression bother me so much?"  Later that night, I started to get my answer: "This will continue to bother you until you get serious about it.  You need to take a stand, Laura.  Be an adult and do the right thing."

And so I think it's time.  I think it's time that I join the ranks of those who don't "take it" or "hush it up" anymore.  It's time that I do the right thing by every person who has been sexually assaulted, and speak my mind when I don't like something I hear, become publicly involved in sexual injustice and abuse.  In short, I will use my big mouth for something good.

If even one person comes across this odd, disjointed blog post, and decides to report a rape or assault, it's all worth it.

I'm through with silence.