When my brother got married, I was so excited for the day. We all looked like a million bucks, and we were going to have a great party! We took loads of pictures, sang at the top of our lungs, and saw loads of family and friends. My 90 year old great aunt danced everyone else right off the floor. It was amazing. Then we got the pictures back a month or so later. I started to click through the photo album online, and my heart nearly stopped.
"Who is that ugly girl?" I thought.
My family is full of "the beautiful people". My sisters look like Italian models, and my brother is the handsomest guy at most parties. I never thought so much about how I "fit in". I was just the oldest sister of this crew. Now here was the evidence staring me in the face. Without even thinking about it, my brain starting singing "One of these things is not like the other...". My odd face and bloated body were the sore thumbs in every picture of the family. I actually started to feel badly that I was wrecking my brother and sister-in-law's wedding pictures.
Gentle reader, please hear me. This is not pity time. This is not the time for "Oh, no, you're pretty too!" Please... I do not say these things because I'm looking for a handout of compliments. I am telling the TRUTH. That is the point of this blog, and all that I write here. It's honest. I'm not a pretty lady. I have a face (and body) for radio.
This has stuck in my head for a long time as one of many separating factors in my family. I am a rough, blunt woman, in appearance and nature. My family is one of poise, grace, and intelligence. People constantly remark on my wonderful father and mother, or my amazing siblings. They are beautiful on the inside and out. I am so proud of them because they are everything that people say about them. Their beauty is more than their outer appearances. They have a beauty and truth to their insides, in the way that they treat people and live their own lives. They are so good at saying the right thing, to me and to others.
I don't always say the right thing. I don't know how to dress. I don't do my hair and makeup often. I sing too loudly, laugh even louder, make jokes that no one gets, and love all those nerdy things that make the attractive & popular crowd shake their heads in a bewildered way. (Example: My sweet 16 was a sleepover at my house where we renamed all the Chinese food to the names of Star Trek: The Next Generation foods. We food-colored Sprite to rename it "Romulan Ale". The next morning, everyone had Earl Grey tea and croissants, just like Jean-Luc Picard. This is still possibly my favorite party EVER, rivaling my own wedding.) My whole life, I have wished that I could match up to my family a little bit better. I have wished that I could be a little more graceful. I often hope that I will wake up one day and I won't have to check my loud laugh and big personality at the door; I wish that they would just go away, and I could be smart-talking and all-knowing like Gina, clever and cutting like Katie, or witty and to-the-point like Christopher. I wish that I was prettier and wittier so that I could make them as proud of me as I am of them.
I am currently seeing a naturopathic nurse practitioner to treat ailments, and have been for about two months. My body is adjusting to a diet of no sugar, gluten, dairy, or artificial sweeteners of any kind. I'm taking in a lot of new information about my body, the vitamins and minerals that run (or do NOT run) through it, and what I have to do to make things better. It's frustrating and interesting and confusing. But through it all, I find myself ravenous for the healing words that this NP has to say. Yesterday, she said to me: "You do not have to expect anything, Laura. Don't expect yourself to lose a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time. Don't expect to have a certain mineral or vitamin completely replenished in your system right away. You must RELAX into healing. The body self-corrects. You must let your body do that without any yelling, screaming, or expecting from yourself." She has somehow found a way to cut through all the bullshit in my brain and give me permission to not be more than I already am.
Today, I am trying. I am trying to stay relaxed. I am letting my body tell me what it needs, and responding accordingly. I will not expect anything of myself, not hold myself to too high a standard. I still hope that these diet and vitamin changes will bring me closer to health. There is still a small corner of my brain that wishes I were prettier, but I will change where I want the pretty. I want the pretty on the inside of me. I want the pretty to be shown in how I talk to people and how I love them. I want the pretty to be seen in how I handle my life and what I am given.
I may still be the Ugly Kid, but I'll strive for that beauty on the inside, just like Gina and Katie and Christopher have.
"Who is that ugly girl?" I thought.
My family is full of "the beautiful people". My sisters look like Italian models, and my brother is the handsomest guy at most parties. I never thought so much about how I "fit in". I was just the oldest sister of this crew. Now here was the evidence staring me in the face. Without even thinking about it, my brain starting singing "One of these things is not like the other...". My odd face and bloated body were the sore thumbs in every picture of the family. I actually started to feel badly that I was wrecking my brother and sister-in-law's wedding pictures.
Gentle reader, please hear me. This is not pity time. This is not the time for "Oh, no, you're pretty too!" Please... I do not say these things because I'm looking for a handout of compliments. I am telling the TRUTH. That is the point of this blog, and all that I write here. It's honest. I'm not a pretty lady. I have a face (and body) for radio.
This has stuck in my head for a long time as one of many separating factors in my family. I am a rough, blunt woman, in appearance and nature. My family is one of poise, grace, and intelligence. People constantly remark on my wonderful father and mother, or my amazing siblings. They are beautiful on the inside and out. I am so proud of them because they are everything that people say about them. Their beauty is more than their outer appearances. They have a beauty and truth to their insides, in the way that they treat people and live their own lives. They are so good at saying the right thing, to me and to others.
I don't always say the right thing. I don't know how to dress. I don't do my hair and makeup often. I sing too loudly, laugh even louder, make jokes that no one gets, and love all those nerdy things that make the attractive & popular crowd shake their heads in a bewildered way. (Example: My sweet 16 was a sleepover at my house where we renamed all the Chinese food to the names of Star Trek: The Next Generation foods. We food-colored Sprite to rename it "Romulan Ale". The next morning, everyone had Earl Grey tea and croissants, just like Jean-Luc Picard. This is still possibly my favorite party EVER, rivaling my own wedding.) My whole life, I have wished that I could match up to my family a little bit better. I have wished that I could be a little more graceful. I often hope that I will wake up one day and I won't have to check my loud laugh and big personality at the door; I wish that they would just go away, and I could be smart-talking and all-knowing like Gina, clever and cutting like Katie, or witty and to-the-point like Christopher. I wish that I was prettier and wittier so that I could make them as proud of me as I am of them.
I am currently seeing a naturopathic nurse practitioner to treat ailments, and have been for about two months. My body is adjusting to a diet of no sugar, gluten, dairy, or artificial sweeteners of any kind. I'm taking in a lot of new information about my body, the vitamins and minerals that run (or do NOT run) through it, and what I have to do to make things better. It's frustrating and interesting and confusing. But through it all, I find myself ravenous for the healing words that this NP has to say. Yesterday, she said to me: "You do not have to expect anything, Laura. Don't expect yourself to lose a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time. Don't expect to have a certain mineral or vitamin completely replenished in your system right away. You must RELAX into healing. The body self-corrects. You must let your body do that without any yelling, screaming, or expecting from yourself." She has somehow found a way to cut through all the bullshit in my brain and give me permission to not be more than I already am.
Today, I am trying. I am trying to stay relaxed. I am letting my body tell me what it needs, and responding accordingly. I will not expect anything of myself, not hold myself to too high a standard. I still hope that these diet and vitamin changes will bring me closer to health. There is still a small corner of my brain that wishes I were prettier, but I will change where I want the pretty. I want the pretty on the inside of me. I want the pretty to be shown in how I talk to people and how I love them. I want the pretty to be seen in how I handle my life and what I am given.
I may still be the Ugly Kid, but I'll strive for that beauty on the inside, just like Gina and Katie and Christopher have.
God doesn't make junk. Lud you, always and forever.
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