The title of this blog is.....

..... "Coffee and Lithium".  Because that's what I lived on for years.  If it didn't have caffeine or psychotropic enhancers of some kind, it didn't pass these lips.  I'm a purist.

But if I were to re-title this blog, it would most likely be called "Coffee and Ben & Jerry's".  Because that's what I'm living on now.  I don't really give in to fads or any of that nonsense.... Mass General and all the other big hospitals in the area like to say that diet and exercise will prolong my life.  I'm sure that if I hold out long enough, it will be proven that I was right from the start..... it was the random days of 5 or 6 iced coffees imbibed within 12 hours that kept me strong.  Hey, when I'm the only guy left alive post-Apocalypse, walking a Bible typed in Braille to the ends of the earth, you'll all know for sure.....

All self-congratulatory humorous nonsense aside, I'm fat.  I weight about 130 pounds more than I should.  And that's not model weight; that's "She's always going to be a bit large" weight.  I was fat when I was a kid.  I was fat in high school (which was wicked populah).  I was fat in college.  I was a fat bride.  I am now a fat, nearing middle-age adult.  I have no idea what to do with myself.  Nope!  Scratch that.... I have EVERY IDEA of what to do with myself..... I'm a semi-intelligent person who is aware every diet/exercise regimen known to God and man.  I know what every single regimen does and why it works.

I think I just need a reason to do it.

When I was in high school/college, I figured I'd have to shed some weight sooner or later to "find me a man!".... but then I met Paulie, and all the after-school specials were right; it's about your insides, not your outsides.  I have a gym membership (which I use 2-3 times a month now).  I have a brilliant mind for foods and what I like; I could figure out healthy meal options as quickly as my Corolla pulls into the Wendy's drive-through.... so why do I keep pulling the car around?

What do people do to motivate themselves when they know the billion reasons why they should do something and they still can't???  If I keep using more question marks, will I suddenly get the answer?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Little pieces of paper....

I've been working on the side project of getting my house more organized *cue studio audience laugh*.

In the midst of it all, a great big honkin' pile of receipts has arisen, like a cracken from the sea!  In the interest of sanity, I have decided to get them all recorded onto an Excel spreadsheet.... wicked pissah oar-gan-i-zay-shun.  What really slaps me across the face is the life story one can tell just with a few receipts.

Dec 2007- Here's that receipt for Target.  I bought Paulie's stocking stuffers for our first married Christmas that day.

April 2011- Here's one for the gas station in the middle of I-91, when I was driving home from the James Taylor gig.

Nov 2009- Here's one for Starbucks in Belmont.... my first taste of non-hospital coffee in weeks.  A caramel macchiato tastes a hell of a lot sweeter with McLean Hospital in your rear-view mirror.

I'm still sorting and entering data, but now I feel like I've accomplished a few things in the past few hours; even the past few years.  And I'm reminded that it can really just be about the journey sometimes.

Here's to many more receipts.......

What would you do?

This weekend, Amy Winehouse was found dead in her London home.  After posting an article that comedian Russell Brand wrote about her to my Facebook, lively discussion ensued.  Was her death "her fault"?  Was her addiction something that she didn't kick, so it's her own fault that she's dead? Should we be sorry?

Personally, I find her story to be scarily close to my own.  She is a woman whose demons were always at the forefront, and she chose drugs and alcohol to fight them.  I chose cutting and SI, then therapy and medication.  We each self-medicated at one point.  How is it she's gone, and I'm still here?

Imagine you were a member of her family; what would you do?  Would you try to seek help for her?  Would you leave her to find help on her own, since she would be the one to go into the hospital?

What would YOU do??

"I cheated myself like I knew I would.  I told you I was trouble.... you know that I'm no good."

What shall we do tonight, Brain?

This blog has been in existence for about.... 2 years?


I keep putting things up, and then quickly deleting them.  "That sounds ridiculous when I read it aloud.", or  "Nobody cares, Laura!" are the sentences that would be screamed at the monitor on a regular basis. 

Now I just want to put things up here, and see what happens.  It might be funny, sad, music-related, nonsensical.  Let's just see where the next wind takes us.